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Hot on the heels of 1 Night in Paris, Red Light
District has followed up with another, uh, celebrity sexpose.
The AVN-named Best Selling and Renting Movie for
2004, Paris featured celebrity sex kitten and heiress
to the Hilton fortune, Paris Hilton, while this sequel takes
the back road to the bank.
1 Night in China stars Joanie Laurer and Sean
Waltman, who in a former career were known as Chyna Doll and
X-Pac as part of the World Wrestling Entertainment’s
bevy of beefed-up wrestling superstars.
When Joanie and (gosh, I’m so tempted to say
Chachi here!) Sean left their careers and wrestling monikers
behind them, anyone would guess it was just a matter of time
before they moved on to some form of exploiting their past.
WWE’s Vince McMahon, like many savvy promoters and
producers, owns many of the names of characters they help
build, so new careers and real names have to be created or
used to fall back on, it seems.
Chyna was a badass bitch in the ring and looked quite
fetching in that female, steroid bodybuilder appeal that
strikes a chord with wimpy men, homosexual closet cases and
those who make transsexual porno (one of the hottest niches
since bisexual porn came and went).
Here, Joanie and Sean travel to China (or at least Sean
does), obviously to make the “China” connection
and (hopefully) avoid a head-on, body-slam of a lawsuit with
McMahon and the WWE. Hell, McMahon is the guy who fought over
having to change his organization’s name from the World
Wrestling Federation (WWF) when the World Wildlife Fund cried
foul.
In the 56 minutes of travelogue, seduction, tease and sex,
Sean Waltman’s attempts at improvisation to a video
camera at The Great Wall and Tiannamen Square, rank right up
there with some of the great yucks fans of wrestling have
enjoyed. Remember when X-Pac would stomp the mat moments
before some mook’s back would kiss the ring, making for
an unintentionally hilarious entertainment experience? This
movie leaves that memory on the mat.
Like his short-lived career in front of the wrestling
fanatics where he crosses his arms in an X in front of his
legs, Waltman should have taken his own advice and kept his
pants on, as should Chyna.
When she first enters the frame, ensconced in something
“sexy” and looking to tease, it harkens back to
those nightmare moments where you’re slightly drunk in
a room, waiting to see what it is you really seduced,
and out comes someone who makes you wonder, Is it a man, a
she-male—and most importantly, what the hell is that
bulge between its legs and what are its plans for me?!
Yikes!
Well, after a brief session of poorly lit seduction in black
and white, a surveillance footage level of video camerawork
reveals Joanie and Sean’s sexual exploits.
Problem is, what we can see looks like a faggy bodybuilder
with a mullet banging a handsome transsexual. The freak-show,
circus-act, car-crash appeal heightens when Joanie pops her
clit and it’s not only pierced, but looks like a
mini-penis.
After a bit of the ol’ in n’ out, we cut back to
Sean talking to the camera in China, stumbling through some
obviously improvised lines. We’re oddly glued to the
screen to see how bad he’ll get and hoping that we can
witness in full-color that mini-penis that speaks inches
about steroid abuse in women.
Girls if ya want a big one, juice up, get ready for pimples
on your ass, a dick of a clit with a hood like an uncut
foreskin and…”Get Ready to Rumble!”
Back in the sex room, Sean switches over to a color camera,
forgetting to take the strap off the handle and holding his
videocam with all the steadiness of a drunken sailor on a
lost weekend. His sexual conquest splayed out, naked before
him, with wall-eyed bolt-ons and a mug of a face that is both
mannish and moody looking, awaits. Sean goes to work.
Joanie sucks a mean cock, in the way you would assume a guy
would, taking a face fucking, manhandling a member and
devouring dick till you wonder if it’s ever coming back
out of that gaping maw of a kisser.
We watch as Sean dives in for his hot lunch, camera wobbling
woozily as he contemplates what will likely be his last meal
in a porn movie. Joanie’s loins are riddled with razor
burn, bruises, zits and ripped to the max from serious
squats. It doesn’t take long for the man in the boat to
appear from under Joanie’s clitoral hood. (Now I know
why there’s such a thing as gawkers’ block on the
freeways.)
As much as I was repulsed seeing an inch-long and
thick-as-a-pinkie clitoris with a corona resembling the head
of a penis, I was oddly fascinated. I wondered what it
really says on her driver’s license and how many
years and injections of male hormones could produce a member
that impressive, and what that would mean to guys who got
shortchanged at birth, looking for a few extra inches.
Sean, attempts entry as the camera strap comes into frame
like a hook from a vaudeville act and one is left to wonder
what ever made these two think this was their ticket to
anything other than ridicule and perhaps bit parts in a
remake of Nightmare Alley.
Sean gets going and stays hard while the camera captures
such wonderful moments as Joanie’s ripped abs, which
are now showing signs of flab, and her Marty Feldman tits,
impossible to capture together at close range.
Obviously, Sean didn’t brush up on his (pro-porn
shooter) Mike John movies, as he can’t direct the sex,
much less shoot it and fuck. Hell, the guy was a wrestler, so
you have to forgive him.
Joanie, on the other hand, gets so hot, she turns over and
starts power thrusting back on Sean’s member,
doggy-style. The insta-porn stars rut like sweaty gay men,
pushing to and fro and grunting, as we can’t take our
eyes off the acne-riddled ass of Joanie.
Sean makes a thumb pass on Joanie’s butthole and with
a deft move of a camera that highlights one her worst bruises
on her quad, Sean makes an anal entry we never see. Once
inside, Joanie lights up like a tranny with a love for butt
sex. She power-pumps Chachi, er, Sean, till he’s worn
out and has to have her turn over for some languid linking.
We watch as she takes it missionary, sweat glistening and
her pussy looking like a pierced catcher’s mitt with a
swollen thumb. More manly sex ensues and one notices that
Joanie’s almost more buff than Sean… but I
digress.
A jump cut takes us to the money shot, where Sean unloads
with all the mastery of an amateur stud, whacking his stiff
member till he shoots on her splayed anus from the side. At
this point, we could be watching two men have sex. It’s
that scary.
Nevertheless, this is a movie that every casually curious
porn consumer and porn fan must see. Wrestling fans too will
flock to rent and buy—though we all know once
they’re 18 they convert to porn fans, so that leaves
the rest of the world and, yup, they’ll come a
runnin’.
Unlike Hilton in 1 Night in Paris, there’s no
glee to be had watching a bad girl heiress look like
she’s thinking, “Fuck you daddy!” while she
takes a load on camera.
However, Joanie and Sean do have celebrity appeal of a more
freakish sort, and will obviously end up on some sort of
circuit, probably with a small circus, or maybe even Branson,
Missouri, because I hear Joanie likes to sing and play
guitar. Sean’s already looking like he could be one of
The Gatlin Brothers on a bender, so that pretty much sums it
up.
You have to see this movie.
Afterwards, take a Silkwood shower like I did, and
don’t pick up the soap. If you drop it, Joanie might
get you.
Review from AVN
